Punish Me
by saavik55
Summary: Olivia's guilt overwhelms her and she cannot bring herself to grant her own forgiveness.  She asks for something terrible from Alex.  Will Alex be strong enough to give it to her?  Can be read as a stand-alone or as a prequel to Short Fall, Long Climb.


Olivia threw herself into the apartment, her body numb and her mind reeling. Every sound reminded her of the gunshots, every scent bringing to mind the acrid tang of gunpowder. She shook her head violently, struggling to shove away fresh memories of the vacant slackness of Plumber's dead, slumped body. Stripping the jacket from her shoulders and leaving it in the hall, she dragged herself towards the living room. Its emptiness was devastating. Olivia's body yearned to be lost in Alex's embrace; she craved it. But the blonde wasn't home yet. So Olivia collapsed in slow motion onto the couch, pulling her knees up to her chest, and stared blankly at the rain pounding against the window. It made her think of blood.

Alex rushed down the hall, clutching her briefcase under her arm as she fished frantically for her keys. She had been taking neat notes for the next day's opening arguments, periodically smiling privately as she thought of her dinner date with Olivia, when Elliot called. The tone of his voice told her everything. Instantly, her heart tightened; this was it, the call she and Olivia always knew was a possibility. Choking on terror, Alex brutally forced her attention back to Elliot's strained voice. Slowly, as the words penetrated her numbed consciousness, Alex caught her breath. Olivia was fine.

Hanging up abruptly, Alex threw her things together, yanking her raincoat off of its hook as she slammed the office door behind her. She had to get to her girlfriend. Though Olivia was physically unhurt, Alex couldn't imagine the thoughts that must be pounding in the brunette's mind. She knew that Olivia would need comfort, her comfort.

Finally, she forced her way into the apartment, taking an ungainly sidestep as her toe caught on the jacket on the floor. She cursed quietly, disposing of her wet things in the closet and shutting the door. Quickly, she brushed her fingers through her damp hair and tentatively approached her still girlfriend. "Olivia?" she murmured.

Olivia started violently at the new sound, whipping her head around to face the hesitant blonde. She didn't speak. She only looked up at Alex with frighteningly empty brown eyes, her expression slack with pain and guilt. The sight made Alex's heart seem to freeze over, becoming as brittle and delicate as a frosted, dry leaf. She was frightened it would simply shatter. The woman before her was not the Olivia she knew.

Months of living with the brunette had taught Alex exactly how to deal with all of Olivia's moods. Sometimes Olivia came home to the blonde with excitement, the relief and gratification of putting a perp away making all of her sacrifices worth it. Other times, she was angry, berating herself and struggling to restrain herself from punching a cabinet or wall. Alex always knew exactly how to calm her brunette, rewarding her successes with lavish kisses or soothing her fury with gentle caresses. But this, this utter blankness, made the blonde nervous and unsettled.

She stepped quietly to stand nearer Olivia and laid the tips of her fingers on the brunette's shoulder. Olivia did not respond to the touch, remaining still and stiff, staring at the window. Suddenly, her hand shot out, gripping Alex's wrist tightly, and she turned her gaze pleadingly up to meet Alex's startled eyes. For a moment, she stared at her girlfriend, breathing heavily and maintaining her firm grasp. Then, beginning to tremble, she spoke. "Punish me," she whispered harshly.

Alex reflexively tensed her arm in Olivia's grip, gaping with shock at her suffering girlfriend. Olivia inhaled sharply, clearly fighting to control her spiraling emotions, and Alex remembered herself with a start. She sank on suddenly weak knees to sit on the sofa. "Liv, no. It wasn't your fault. Elliot told …"

Olivia interrupted her. "No," she spat desperately, her fingers tightening around Alex's thin wrist. "Please, Alex." Alex's brittle heart seemed to crack at the trembling begging tones of the brunette's voice. She searched Olivia's strained expression for clues, for a sign of how to comfort her, but she found only anxious pleading there. She was shocked by Olivia's blurted request, but not completely surprised. She had an inkling of Olivia's desire to gain relief from too intense emotions through physical means. Occasionally, at the end of particularly emotional days, Olivia would ask for Alex to mark her. The brunette, eyes turned away in shame, would beg for Alex to paddle her, spank her, bite her, anything that would leave a mark to remind Olivia for days to come.

Taking a deep breath, she looked into Olivia's eyes. "Liv, are you sure this is what you want?" Olivia's jaw trembled for a moment before she nodded, her gesture shuddering and small. Alex took a second breath and closed her eyes for a moment, steeling her heart for what Olivia was asking her to do. Then, she again met the brunette's eyes. "Let go, Olivia."

Olivia froze for a moment, starting when Alex cleared her throat and slowly relinquishing her tight grip on Alex's wrist. "Good girl," Alex said calmly. "Now, go to the bedroom and kneel at the end of the bed. Wait for me." She watched Olivia as she obeyed, only turning away when the brunette had disappeared from view. Sighing heavily, Alex bent and buried her face in her hands. This was going to hurt her but she was willing to do almost anything for her darling lover.

Making sure to shuffle her feet a little across the rug as she walked, Alex entered the bedroom. Olivia knelt on the floor facing the bed, head hung low in shame and hands twisting together in her lap. Resisting the urge to rush to comfort the brunette, Alex schooled her expression into one of calm. "Lean over the mattress, Olivia," she commanded gently. Olivia complied, rising up onto her knees and gripping the bedcovers tightly in trembling fists. Alex moved close and bent low over her girlfriend, reaching to place her hands on the brunette's belt buckle. "Use your safeword if you need to, Liv. Understand?" Olivia nodded.

With knowledgeable fingers, Alex unbuckled the belt and worked it free of Olivia's belt loops. Carefully, she deposited the badge, holster and handcuffs onto the top of the dresser, where Olivia always kept them, before turning back to the brunette. Folding the belt in two, she snapped the leather together, making Olivia jump reflexively at the sudden crack. "Olivia, you're going to be punished. I want you to tell me why."

Olivia shuddered at her cold tone and shook her head shakily. "Tell me, Olivia, or I can't punish you." Olivia hesitated for a long moment, the only sounds her hitching breath and the rustle of her fingers clenching the comforter. Finally, she responded.

"I shot him," she whispered. Swallowing hard, Alex let the tip of the belt fall from her grasp and curled her fingers around the buckle. She drew her arm back and let the belt fall sharply against the curve of Olivia's ass. The brunette gasped and tensed visibly, her grip on the covers turning her knuckles deathly white.

"Tell me again," Alex demanded.

"I shot him." Olivia's voice wavered heartbreakingly.

Alex hit her lover with the belt again. "Again," she growled. "Why did you shoot him?"

"I shot him becau …" Her voice cracked. "Because he was going to shoot her."

Alex cracked the belt across Olivia's shoulder blade twice, placing the strokes expertly. "Keep saying it. Loudly." She began to let the belt fall rhythmically, beating a pattern of parallel strokes up and down Olivia's back, buttocks and thighs as the brunette repeated her statement. Olivia said it, whispered it, moaned it, pausing only to gasp and clench her teeth when the strokes fell.

Alex paused, passing the belt to her left hand as she knelt gracefully at Olivia's side. She tenderly smoothed her palm over Olivia's back, cringing gently when the brunette gasped sharply. "Look at me, Liv." Slowly, Olivia complied, turning to rest her right cheek on the mattress though her dark eyes avoided Alex's attentive gaze. "Are you okay?" she asked hesitantly.

"No," Olivia whispered, so quietly Alex could hardly hear.

"Do you want me to st…"

"No!" Olivia's voice snapped on the desperate syllable. She brought her pained but still empty eyes to meet Alex's, the now familiar look of pleading making them seem darker than normal. Alex let her hand run lingeringly over Olivia's clothed back, pausing to worry about the heat radiating from the brunette's skin, before standing and backing away.

"Now, Olivia, I want to hear your apology," she commanded.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, her quavering voice muffled by the sheets. She flinched violently as the belt landed on her already welted flesh.

"Louder," Alex barked. "And keep apologizing until I know you're truly sorry." With the same methodical precision, Alex gripped the belt in her left hand and began working down from the brunette's shoulder, crisscrossing the old welts with new ones.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for shooting him, please," Olivia ground out from behind clenched teeth. She arched her shoulders and pressed her cheek desperately against the mattress. She wouldn't let it get to her; she didn't deserve to cry.

Alex let a few more blows fall before she paused. Olivia needed to let it out. Her struggle to bury her emotions was tearing at Alex's heart. She stepped close, pressing her knee firmly against the brunette's back and fisting her fingers in her short hair. With gentle but unyielding pressure, she pulled Olivia's head from the mattress and forced her to look up. "I don't believe you. I want you to cry, Olivia. I want you to sob and scream and wail. Do you understand?"

Ignoring the fingers knotted tightly in her hair, Olivia shook her head furiously. "No, I can't," she croaked. "Alex…"

Alex balled her fist even tighter, yanking Olivia's head back painfully. She bent down until her nose was only inches from Olivia's. She stared coldly at her shuddering girlfriend for a long moment. "You can, Olivia, and you will. Or I refuse to forgive you." They remained like that for another stretched moment before Alex shoved Olivia's head back towards the mattress. "Nod when you're ready or use the safe word, Olivia. I'm waiting."

Olivia hesitated, her blank, tense expression wavering as she struggled with herself. Her breath hitched violently with cruelly repressed sobs. Finally, she bent slowly back down to rest her cheek against the bed. She nodded shakily.

"Alright, Olivia. Now. Apologize." She cracked the end of the belt especially sharply across the top of the brunette's thigh. Olivia choked, bending reflexively to favor her new welt, and wailed.

"I'm sorry!" Her voice was high, her emotional pain driven out of her throat by her physical punishment. Alex crossed the welt with a second and then a third, pausing as Olivia's voice hitched and she moaned. Alex quickly reached to dash away a tear of her own as Olivia began to sob in earnest, her shoulders shaking and voice cracking. Quickly, she gathered herself; if she was going to do this for Olivia, she was going to stick it out until the end.

"Louder!" she growled fiercely, picking up her pace and delivering blow after blow to the generous curve of Olivia's ass. Finally, when she let the belt slip through her fingers to curl on the floor, Olivia was sobbing wildly into the folds of blankets clutched in her desperate fists. Alex eased to her knees, again running her hand soothingly but with feather light pressure over Olivia's trembling back. She leaned slowly down and pressed her lips to the brunette's wet cheek.

Olivia continued to cry though her wails softened to shuddering gasps. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." She repeated herself over and over, almost chanting the words quietly to herself. Alex's heart reached out to her.

"Shhhh," she soothed. "I know, sweetie, I know. It's over now." She kept her murmurs quiet and calm, working her touch up Olivia's back to smooth her sweat-dampened brown hair. She stroked the soft strands over and over again, periodically bending to press her lips to the brunette's cheek and temple and maintaining her steady stream of comforting words. "Come on, Liv. Can you stand?"

Olivia nodded, silently and slowly, and, at Alex's gentle insistence, leaned into the blonde's supporting arms. Alex stood gradually, bearing as much of her girlfriend's weight as she could as the brunette's leaned heavily against her. Standing, she took Olivia's left hand in her own and wrapped her right arm tightly around her girlfriend's waist. She took a step forward, pressing the brunette tightly against her body, and coaxed her to walk. "Come on, Liv," she urged.

The brunette silently complied, walking slowly with Alex into the living room. They crossed to the sofa and Alex gently guided her girlfriend to sit. "Stay here, Olivia. I'll be right back." She hesitated, watching the brunette carefully for a moment, before placing Olivia's limp hands on her lap and hurrying away.

She returned as quickly as possible with a glass of water and a tube of soothing ointment. She was worried that she had overdone it. Gently, she sat next to her shaken girlfriend and, lifting one of her hands, molded it around the glass. "Olivia, you need to drink this. Okay?" Slowly she released her grip on the glass and was gratified when the brunette brought it gradually to her lips and took a sip. Soon, half of the glass was finished and Alex took it away, setting it on the coffee table.

"I'm going to take your shirt off, Liv. I need to look at your back, okay?" Olivia nodded vaguely. Alex carefully unbuttoned Olivia's blue blouse, pushing it off her shoulders and gently extracting each of the brunette's arms from the sleeves. She tossed it aside and, with a hand on Olivia's neck, Alex pushed her lover to lean low over her thighs.

Alex brought her hand to her mouth, quickly stifling the gasp rising in her chest. Olivia's back was a mess, patterned with angry, crisscrossed welts that were rapidly swelling and turning red. Suddenly, Alex felt bile in her throat but she shoved her nausea back down. Now it was time to care for Olivia, not to give in to her own squeamishness. Breathing deeply, Alex squeezed a generous amount of ointment onto her fingers. She let it warm for a few moments, using her free hand to brush her girlfriend's fringe of dark hair away from her forehead. "This is going to hurt a little, but I have to do it." Olivia didn't respond to her words, but she turned her face a little to give Alex better access. Alex smiled gently.

Starting high on Olivia's back, Alex started to rub the ointment over the brunette's wounds, making circular patterns with her fingertips. Olivia sighed at the new burn but soon relaxed, letting her head weigh heavily in Alex's warm palm. Finally, Alex reached the waistband of Olivia's slacks and withdrew her fingers. Wiping them on a tissue, she coaxed Olivia to sit up. Gently she, reached around the brunette and unclasped her bra, drawing it down her long arms and dropping it to the floor. "There," she said soothingly. "It'll make you feel better. Now, come here." She moved to lean behind her girlfriend, to lie against the pillows and hold the brunette in her arms, but Olivia's jerkily shaking head stopped her.

"Alex," she croaked, her throat sore from her sobs. "I don't … I don't want to feel better." Alex's expressed softened even further and she brought both of her hands up to cup Olivia's jaw.

"Olivia," she said. "Darling. You were punished. You apologized. Now it's time to feel better. It won't come all at once, but, right now, you have to trust that I know what you need. And I say that you need to have some comfort. Please." Olivia's eyes were tired, exhausted, and red-rimmed. She looked sadly at her concerned girlfriend and opened her mouth to speak. Alex shook her head gently and again moved towards the pillow.

Lying on her side behind Olivia, she opened her arms and looped them loosely around the brunette's hips, curling her hands in Olivia's lap. She knew that Olivia would relent sooner or later.

Finally, sighing softly, Olivia shifted in Alex's arms. Careful of her welted back, she scooted further down the sofa and eased down to lay on her side. She tucked the crown of her head under Alex's chin, resting her cheek against the pillow and pressing her body firmly against the blonde's solid presence. With still trembling hands, she lifted Alex's arm and wrapped it more tightly around her own body, encouraging the blonde to hold her as close as possible. She did trust Alex, she repeated to herself. She would trust her with her life.

Alex sighed, her warm breath ruffling Olivia's hair. She was emotionally exhausted and she prayed that her actions had been right, hadn't been a mistake. She sighed again. Only time would tell. She twisted her neck and pressed her lips to Olivia's warm, salty-smelling hair, kissing her again and again. "We'll stay like this as long as you need, Liv. I mean it."

Olivia curled even more tightly against her girlfriend, grasping the slender hand in her own. "Thank you, Alex. Thank you." Alex smiled tiredly and pressed another kiss to Olivia's hair.

"You're welcome, sweetie."


End file.
